on Wednesday, February 23, 2005
fucking shit man. how does one balance with worring to death abt literally deathly ill relatives, conscription or draft, whatever u wanna call it, results, and tons of huge personal problems all at one go?
do i have an outlet to vent all these frustrations upon? or not.
perhaps not. just looking at friends who are all so happy and unaware, im only reminded of 'ignorance is bliss'. honestly, i rather everyone just read this, and then question me no furthur. times are bad for me now, just when i expected things to take an upturn after the a's with all those stresses gone and all.
but alas, to no avail huh. only can remember how it was like to be so carefree. as far as i can remember, school was really carefree. those problems like 'shit nv bring notes', or 'fuck nv study for test' or idiotik things like 'hey look at (put ur fave slut name here), so chio, can i get laid too?' just seem so damned fucking trivial.
hhax, i think the last time i felt so carefree, so free of troubles and all sorts of shit was the last day of the a lvls for me, that is the end of the s paper physics, hanging out with the s ppr fellas at tangs, eating haagen daaz ice cream with albert's vouchers, looking out at the street, 'superior' in the knowledge that i have just finished something i had been working so 'hard' for the past 2 yrs haha. it was like a huge load that went off my chest. and then saw yuen sean.
really wish to go back to those times, ironically though at that point in time i thought i kinda hated it. hated the fact that im at cjc, bearing its colours as a testimony to my lacklusture performance during the o lvls.
speaking of which, im so damned fucking afraid of the release of results. what if i dont get a single A? gosh, if that were to happen, i'd guess i'd just jump floor. literally. cos of that, and many other problems.
of course, just leaving this world behind for a blissful or hellish existence would undoubtedbly be a selfish path, esp for my mom. shes been thru alot recently, much worse than i am. why? fucking retarded and obstinate paternal relatives who tell shit abt my paternal gramma (who is also sick btw) to my dad, like 'shes admitted to hosp', when worrying is like the last fucking thing my dad sud be doing right now. and lots of other shit they do to us, that pisses the hell me off.
comeon, if ur really concerned, you would stop showering shit on my dad and making him super worried right!? fuck lah! just come down from ur hidey place in msia and say hi or what, instead of camping back there and say 'but u nv let us come wat.' wtf!? since when we said that. do i need to say 'hey da buo can you come visit my dad now?' and lay out a fucking red carpet? get a damned life dammit.
get sensitive. we're in huge deepshit right now in case u didnt realise.
ah fuck. looks like the only respite from all these worries and troubles is just hanging out with classmates and friends. its like they are the only ones who can bring a smile to my face now. im having a shit life now, and these are the angels who, temporarily but nevertheless did, pull me out of the shithole that is my life now. and for that, i thank you all. i owe you all much more than i can speak of.
sorry that i might be seen as a little distant from everyone though, a little disconnected, but that is what happens when u experience fucking shit for the past few months. u know what? if i had only one wish now that could be granted, its not the cliche world peace fuckedupness but a damned cure for cancer.
fuck cancer. can i shoot that constellation from the sky?
bah. was that not pun-ishing. haix. just ranting. non stop now. just looked back up, realised its all unconencted bunch of nonsense from a fella who's utterly worn out now. oh fuck shit, and i have the damned army to go to. wow, heartless world that tekong is. can i defer out of personal and family problems? i would guess heartless fucktards at mindef wont give half a flying fuck abt me. nobody would. nobody cares. nobody cares. nobody loves. nobody. no one gives a shit.
ah fuck those white horse motherfucks and lee dynasty with stupid conscription laws.
nobody loves. sux to be lonely, i can be the testament to that. just look at the wreck i am ya?
*a picture*
panic panic heartbreak panic WORRY panic breakdown panic elation panic.
*see the wordly picture? thats me.*
you know what, im kinda stoned now. spending lots of time writng inane shit. hell i cant even remember what the fuck i wrote in the 1st para. perhaps it might be abt smthn abt not feeling happy for a long time. really? perhaps small respites when i see friendly faces. friendly, familiar faces. dont want military monotony. dont want rifle. dont want march. dont want march and march to come. get it? ha.
amazed by the fact i can still be lame now.
so, welcome to my life huh. just inane transitions from being normal and appearing carefree, to the wholly fuckedupness that i truly am now. bipolar disorder on the micro scale. can i cry? i think i really need to. shoulder to lend? oh forgot i have noone to turn to. ah hard bunk, i love you for the chicks doth not care. as i said before, perhaps we should all do the hamlet dance for its all a tragedy.
and as such i will raise a cyber toast to you all,
life sux.
cheers.
yk ranted at 12:34 am!
on Saturday, February 19, 2005
time to lame abit.
what a lousy shitty week. so boring, cos even alvin japhar is working and there's so few activities!! yucks!! nothing to do!! and to make things worse, daddy's readmitted into hospital again, cos he was saying his abdoment hurt. argh. hope its just lousy constipation that got slightly bad instead of worsening tumours.
fuck cancers. grrrr. i tell u, we must spend more tiem and money into cancer research instead of stupid wars like those in irak.
bleah. think im settling for albert's brand new 7260 liao la. cos that silly xiangjiehui havent ask abt the 300 dollar 6260 leh. wah lao if really can get 6260 at 300 dollars then shiok liao man. but now the problem is this, i need to sell my v690 at a good price! but fuck it! everyone is only willing to buy it at 180 at tops. trade in at the 'proper' starhub/m1/singtel stores is only 130.
find me a good price! bleah. sadly, the last 2 hps i bought were such disapointments(v690, its batt becomes so louya after a few months, and 6610, the pms queen). the only good hp = my dearest 8250 but it was lost and stolen. fuck. hopefully the 7260 will last longer.
dunno la. v sian now. there is nthn to even cheer me up nowsadays. going into army in 3 weeks, daddy's having a fucked up cancer, friends all going separate ways, even the chio hc neighbour is being dao now. haix.
nthn to cheer me up at all. life sux now. how to pull thru the madness in army? help!
cheers, take care dudes.
yk ranted at 1:51 pm!
on Thursday, February 17, 2005
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Dont know where it goes
But its home to me and i walk alone.
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleepsand
I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone, I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone.
so sad right? go army liao then i will lead a much lonilier life, not that i feel that i already am. haha. sux la. silly songs playing on the radio that makes me nostalgic. oh great and its 'she will be loved' by maroon 5 now. bleah! brings back the sad sad memories! wahahha.
ok la, go do smthn else le. but before i go,
help me find lobang for samsung e800c, and im selling my motorola v690. good condition, still got warranty, asking 220 neg. =)
yk ranted at 9:39 pm!
on Tuesday, February 15, 2005
im very bored now. so i blog. hahaha. just came back fro watching constantine. not bad la, but in the end took awhile to understand the show. perhaps if keanu stoped mumbling sometimes it would have helped alot. oh well. but quite cool la the show, not as bad as some crap that i sat thru last time.
so sian. rli hate my chio hc neighbour's bf. he rli thinks hes so high and mighty and all, yet feeling so insecure inside. gosh. hes like, a total dick! wahahaha! and worse, he stereotypes cj girls as loose. what a motherfucker. feeling so insulted that i can only imagine his face being filled with a fist. right? haha. dunno la. quite tense now. who cares, its just for a lil bit of fun b4 going into army. nthn serious lol.
monday went to get that ipodmini repaired all the way a yio chu kang. fucking far sey. and then today my hp decided to die. time to go back to ps tmr to get it repaired. so damn pissed. fuck! grrr. ok la go read book liao. dan brown is interesting. nites!
yk ranted at 11:26 pm!
on Sunday, February 13, 2005
how how how? how to cook up a reason to wake up so early and be at the bus stop at 630 onwards? what to say? i still have no idea. what to say when i pass it to her? i also have no idea. and then sud i bring a bag? if so then where to put at mac ritchie! argh! so headache! grrr.
cheers =)
yk ranted at 11:14 pm!
on Friday, February 11, 2005
why bother when it is not responsive. why right? might as well just give it all up and cast the ashes to the winds.
strangely some ppl managed to procure firecrackers arnd my estate. enjoyable. =)
yk ranted at 8:36 pm!
on Wednesday, February 09, 2005
fuck! my pink ipod mini is abit cocked up! cos there is a line of dead fucking pixels. goanna go to apple serv center at bkt timah on sat. grr.
fuck!
anyways, Happy Chinese New Year fellas! =)
yk ranted at 3:54 pm!
on Monday, February 07, 2005
hmm ok la, i shall not be that damned pissed. when there's a will there's a way. just that it kinda sux in the knowledge that when u finally think u might have just found ms perfect, you find out she's attached already. sux. and i do have a bad experience of reading signs wrongly, and hearing smthn that goes like this 'thats very flattering but im sorry i already have sum1 else.'
fuck!
hahaha but let us all cheer up alright? with some good news! alvin japhar did us all proud. silly gay he got a 1360 for his bloody SAT1 on the 1st try! grrrr. and a perfect math section too! argh. i got 1300 on my first.
but first is not neccessarily the one that ppl look at you know, cos my first was math/verbal 670/630. bad huh, but the second improved by leaps and bounds! YATTA! so happy! finally the gates of the ivy league might just seem to be opening a little bit more. a teeny weeny lil bit more. whats 760/670 sound to u fellas? a grand total of 1430! yay! =) too bad i didnt beat vincent yet tho. sud i retake again? heh heh heh spastik la.
went out wif gay pek n vince to play bball. can see that we all played like shit cept for pek who's still got his form that's sorta hardwired into his muscular-skeletal system or smthn. always get a 'chop!' sound when hes at the donkey lines. grrr. haha. then went to get smthn that lightened my mood too u know. headed to town then to simlim, and got my pink ipod mini! like finally man! yay!
its like totally sexy and totally oozes sex appeal. perhaps erik's right, for im sure i answer to my feminine side to go for the ipod, which is tons sexier, rather than zen micro at the same price but features packed. heh heh heh. proud owner of an apple product here =)
today went to catch Aviator. good show! and as edwin suggests, watching it to see 3-4 different stories is much better than watching it as one huge story. then can digest the parts easier and to notice the relationships and life of the Aviator. heh heh. spastic la, damn sian now.
but then the happiness all ends here liaos. back to sianness. how? what sud i do? and it kinda sux considering that the alternative plans are... are... unethical. yeah. bah! moral dilemma! help me solve it fellas! =)
heex time to go play my iTunes liao. too bad cant buy mp3's from iTunes. sux. but still, cheers!
yk ranted at 11:08 pm!
fuck lah! this ultimately sux man, turns out my chio hc neighbour has got a bf. fuck! shit! so sian! grrrr. but dunno leh, it just seems so silly to be quite aggravated over this, esp when i barely know her other the the facts that i recited a couple of posts ago. haiz
on Saturday, February 05, 2005
well, but for one who has yetto taste the fruits of love, this might seem to be a huge thing but im sure the rest of u wud think its trivial. heh! blame me for being the lil toad at the bottom of the well huh? ah well, suay means suay, whether i like it ornot.
only question is, should i pull off a singh manuvoure and be evil? snatch it away when he's not looking? sounds satisfying, but whether or not i can, or i have the confidence to, pull it off is another issue also.
sheesh, so sucky. so suay. why arh? why always liddat one. perhaps im really fated to spend tekong nights alone and cold in the hard army bunk, with no warmth to turn to in my mind. only cold hard bunk. hahahaha! so tragic! so unloved! so lets all do the hamlet dance cos its all a tragedy.
whatever lah! anyways welcome back silly gay pek! im sure ur wives miss u. cya all! cheers! (right.)
yk ranted at 11:09 pm!
on
hmmm work's out, quite glad and quite sad.
glad cos no need to do mind numbing shifting punctuated by little escapes when i read the casenotes. very interesting sey. can see that pnumonia's actually a fatal disease. gosh! then i nearly died lah! sheesh! then there r very tragic cases, 19 yr old psychotic, a 80 year old dude who fell, hit his head and died. haiz. let's pray for them ya? =)
sad cos no more $. and no more alison to look at. haiz. but who cares! got chio hc neighbour to look at now. haha monday that pek better come out arh! then i got excuse to wake up early and meet her at the busstop again! oh yeah! my heart flutters at that thot. cheh! hahahahahaha.
got pay today. good! then can get my iPod mini! sexy. mmm.
ok la! going out soon to see vinsingh erik and maybe pek. cya fellas, cheers! =)
yk ranted at 7:41 pm!
on Thursday, February 03, 2005
what are ppl with mastercards called? masters of cos! what abt VISA card? tourists! cos they have visas! oh oh oh oh, and how abt this, what do DINERS cardholders love to do most? dine at at nice restaurant of cos! hahaha lame sia. help me think of one for American Express of cos. =P
sia la, this morning i actually talked to my chio hc neighbour! mmm. interesting chat on the bus, found out that shes from scgs also! now that, is such a turn on. ok and then again maybe it isnt. but still, wow! i was so happy! i just kept smiling on the bus, looked up into the sky at the b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l dawn. nearly perfect. yeah.
plan : must know her better! then we'll decide if, to use vincent's analogy, if this 'fish' is worth the attempt. i've kinda been discouraged u know, perhaps lets just be more hesistant. or not? brrr, the decision kills me.
blah! go liao lah! read newsweek+time. cheers!
yk ranted at 8:31 pm!
on Wednesday, February 02, 2005
well, its been a nice night, meeting up with the usual non-ns bunch after work, watch movie, eat dinner, talk cock and all. hotel rwanda was good, do watch it. haha! dont cheadle was really a damn good actor! really conveyed the whole meaning of the show to the audience, ic ould even feel the shivers tingling, horrified by the atrocities committed. makes u wonder when will man ever tolerate each other and stop genocide altogether? guess that'd be far.
i mean, comeon! we're all the same, humans! issit so hard to? or rather, issit so easy to hate each other so much that we would want to commit genocide? but sians la, the human mind is like that, naturally suspicious of peoples who are different from themselves, a natural xenophobic creature. ha!
fuck the router lah, got cable like no cable liddat, i feel like im fucking using a 56k with all these lag.
anyways, just wannt think aloud right now. do we all naturally take advantage of people whom we know, and even whom we trust? ok i know what we're all thinking here, taking advantage? like monetarily? sexually? nah, i'd think i'd mean that we take advantage in a sense that we use people so that we may feel better abt life.
haha trying to sound cheem again i think, but anyways i have the right of say here and nobody can say anything abt it muahaha! anyways, what i meant was that like this : im fucking bored now. need some fun, good! i'll call the funny ppl out! doesnt matter if i can relate to them ornot, since they're just arnd to make me feel funny. or : shit im feeling fucking pissed/depressed whatever, need sum1 to talk to, alright i'll call this fella out whom i dont rli have much fun with but able to talk to.
ok la sounding lame here but that's my take on our human psyche. appears to me that everyone does it. and im sure i do it all the time, cept that choices are kinda limited here since practically everyone's in the army. fuck mindef still. haha!
but i'd still stand by what i said to eric. after jc or army, u wont make true friends anymore. u just wanna know ppl to network, and to use them to gain whatever personal gains u can out of them, and chuck them out as and when u need it. cruel yes, but neccessary. =)
im rli sounding evil. im souding more and more *gasp* adultish! and that is a BAD thing. grrrr. funny huh, only til now i realised that im going to miss jc big time. esp 1st 3 mnths. ah well, tian xia wu bu shan yan xi, no point brooding.
go sleep le la! good nite!
yk ranted at 11:59 pm!
on
look around its the midweek and yet i feel like i've been through a thousand years since sunday. sux. must be the fact that today is the 2nd day which the normal colleague had to go for interviews and its just me and wierdo. suxxx. and this morning got tekan for being too slack. fuck my boss lah he is one big cheebye. cannot stand it. grrr. luckily im quitting on friday. dont want to work liaos. time to enjoy the money earned. ha!
today's been very boring too. so thought alot to myself yest and today. realised that i have actually been living a very sheltered life of sorts. nothing to worry abt except studies and trivial matters we glorify as 'love' and shit like that that on hindsight, its all so trivial and inconsequensial. and money too. that's the big issue.
dad's going to be out of work for at least a year to go thru chemo for that motherfucking kidney cancer, since last oct. (phew the lung metastes had slowed growth and the big sacrometoids at the renal bed were regressing) hopefully it'll all turn out fine and he'll make a full and mighty recovery, but the thing is that he's the sole breadwinner and once his MC's, hosp leave and leave are used up, its no pay.
no pay means no income and we'll be poorer than shit.
and to think that i took so much for granted. like that fact that i can ask my mom for so much money to get this get that on top of a big fat allowance. gosh, this kinda sux man. its really time to change. somehow its when u're on the verge of losing something when u finally appreciate it. its abt time i do now, to appreciate what my parents have given me, and they themselves. haiz.
so sad right? =(
and then there's all ur tinier issues lah! like how no more school would mean an abundance of time which i honestly have no idea how to spend it. well for most parts that is. and its really getting quite boring to go thru the same routine of waking up at 6, see hc chiobu, get on 67, stop kallang get train, simei, work, and work, and work. and the worse part? at least study's changing everyday. everyday learn new things. work is the same shit over and over again.
fuck that sux! grrrr.
speaking of over and over again, sheesh, went for lunch at kfc just now, and it seems to me that the manager there is under the impression that by play chai shen dao over and over again it'll somehow make him/her rich or smthn. fuck lah, its like 8+ times it was repeated when i was there eating. bleah.
so sian now lah, think i go back to work soon lest my boss come and be a ninny and niao me again. sheesh. cheers! =)
yk ranted at 1:30 pm!
on Tuesday, February 01, 2005
now another update. really bored at home. finally got that router shit fixed out theoretically. too leychey to do now la, but got the plan muahahahaha! actually i figured this out. my wireless-b router is a big cheebye. turn on comp the internet will lag like nobody's business then it will stabalize and not lag anymore.
and cos we all conenct to a hub we got our own firewalls and cannot share files. wtf? so need to turn them off. aiya gay lah. but whatever it is, it is now six more days to pay day and the day i purchase the oh-so-sexy ipod mini in pink. yay!
heard a v nice tune on lush last nite. but since they have no dj's and i forgot that sms-a-title number i dont have its title! fuck! all i remember was tt it sounded familiar, it was relaxing, and it prolly has some drums and acoustic guitars for the whole piece. electronically mixed im certain. ha! so action beydey sey.
mmm last nite was good. met up wif clara shimon ed alvin. went for dinner at nydc and talked cock for a super long time lors. then we were figuring whether the ppl sitting next to us were lesbians, talking abt work, or the lack of, etc. sadly i found the three amigos baked rice kinda sucked compared to the mushroom thingy. hahaha. perhaps i just hate ketchup? sheesh.
adele joined us, and yes lah! i still think her back profile looks like king wai. alvin's crush! then abit stoned went back so can watch the new nicenice show desperate haus wives. hahaha! i tell u, teri hatcher and that latino looking woman, they're hot! but anw on the bus saw angeline and the fmaths dude we call 'pek's bro'. he is called andrew! i think, unless my hearing fails me.
and that angeline is as full as rubbish as she was last time. quite more rubbishy that she claims i am. heh! u decide lah ang line!
lol. bored le la! go off liaos! nites!
yk ranted at 9:27 pm!
on
a minor update. im bored at work. and it sux cos supervisor is being an ass since its my last week. oh but it was ok, cos when i walked out for lunch i got to see the chio temp clerk here! Alison's the name. mmm ur a chio one Alison! hee hee hee. chio and tanned. =)
ok la! byebye. cheers.
yk ranted at 1:27 pm!
the collaborators *
i cant be fucked linking!
the photographic evidence *
lies!
the incriminating evidence *
everlasting .
depression .
melodramatic .
ORANJELAIR
-yk