on Wednesday, October 20, 2004
its been awhile my dear frens, and all i can say is this. its been a real fucked up week so far since last thursday. aint too great, it was a huge torrent of negative feelings, bringing me up and down with the rising and falling of the hour hand of the clock, much as the proverbial "emotional roller coaster". it just felt ultra uber wierd, the surreality and unreal-ness of shit that happens in the past week so far. one problem comes with it another problem, with one solution croping up a huge amount of problems.
let us just start off with grad day. wasnt too bad at first, snapping pictures merrily with fatty's pek's and fritter's camera and all, but having this sinking feeling deep inside which have been festering for the better part of the last month since prelims. this sinking feeling is one of myself chiding myself for not doing much abt the one whom i love so dearly.
isnt it ironic, there is somebody out there whom u love and care for so much, and yet when u discovered that u really love her so, u just sorta hide, ignoring the fact of the truth of your feelings, fearing that the bad experiences of the past catching up on u, afraid that the harsh reality and feelings of rejection would just kill u mentally and physically and bust ur chances at the coming a levels. i for one, have too many bad experiences to share, and i for sure dont want that shit to happen again. but regret catches up on u eventually, catching u in that little hiding hole u created for urself, and that is what im feeling right now. regret. pangs of hurt and pain coming down in torrents, all the while grad ceremony was going thru.
got nyaa silver award, testimonial and other result slips on that day. surprisingly i got B for current affairs instead of the usual A. is that an omen? hope not, cos fuck it if i screw up my a levels. bad experiences catching up? another one here, terrible o lvl results that i do not want repeated for the a's. i cant imagine myself getting screwed up for a levels, and yet at the same time i have just lost the drive to mug hard and succeed. its like, the fire has run out, i cant seem to get back to studying. its almost like u desire it so much and yet lack the determination to do so. aint that sucky? trying to mug. ha what a joke.
went out with the class after that, went off to town to paint the town red, we hope, and went for sakae, after which we went to play lan for ahile and the shitty lan shop on the top floor. thanx to somebody for being so bloody insensitive abt some issues i have described before abt __a__ you totally screwed up my day. friday, grad day, was a fucked up day. felt down the whole day.
its like the culmination of all things gone bad. the aforementioned problems plague-ing me for a really long time, and then the realization that poof, u are no longer a school going student anymore. i must have mentioned this like a dozen times but really, when the day comes u feel totally wierd. all the friends u haf known as your classmates just seem to be slowly drifting away, slowly, but surely, as our paths diverge into the great unknown of life. these past few days only served to accentuate that. knowing that u will soon be leaving ur friends forever to go into the army camp/tekong/university/work just dont really make ur day esp brighter esp with the torrents of crazy probelms i felt.
and then the last straw came when i thought, on that same friday night, that i might haf accidently backstabbed my good freind on accident, but even if its an accident, i still feel real bad abt it. its like this, he told me a v impt thing, and its like, i will not speak of it to any1 else. yes of cos. i pride myself on being able to carry a secret to the grave, and i shall do that again, until one fine day this other guy comes arnd with super scathing remarks against my this good fren and apparently it has to do wmthn with the secret he told me lah.
so of cos, to defend his good name, after all it is social suicide in my opinion when the king of gossip (the guy who made the super scathing remarks) knows of the untruth, which goes like, 'walao ppl got gf liao still want to jio other girls so bloody shitty etc etc etc'. cannot stand it already, so i said smthn along the lines of oh fuck u ______ give _____ a break alright? hes already had his fair share of problems already. he has already (the v impt thing). so u get the idea?
but misunderstandings still hurt, and that night, thinking that i have just stabbed him in the back cos he found out that the secret aint too secret anymore, even if its for a good reason, i still think it sux. so i'd be a sulking me and feeling all so fucked up walking from cini to wheelock, but thanx alot to chow, trying her best to cheer me up. good to know there'll be sum1 who will hear me out. thanx!
so felt slightly better went out to nydc for more eats, sinful chocolaty stuff they haf there. had jedi mudster there. mmmmm, and with that, a resolution to finally break the silence and the ice and just write to __a__ anyhows, finally telling her how i feel abt it and all, with a few extra tips from vinsingh on how to make it extra nice. hmmm good.
wkend felt real wierd, thinking abt wat to write. so i did in the end, a whole 4 pages long and taking me over 3 hours to write it out. felt real good abt that, and on monday decided to go borders after studying with the gays in sch first to buy nice nice paper. very nice paper and envelops to write on, nevermind the cost cos the value added to it would make it priceless.
over the weekend, a friend called me from overseas abt this real shitty problem hes having over there. a situation as described here. three of his good friends are friends with each other, and two of them are attached to each other, although apparently there are cracks in their relationship already and my friend has been predicting that it wont last long, the inevitable break up would come soon. but alas, one day he found the third guy making out with the girl in school in the morning, and at that moment, she did not yet, to my friend's knowledge, break up with her bf yet, and yet shes with this guy, who is also my friend and her bf's good friend.
so he was telling me abt this dilemma, when the bf was also one of his best buds from pri sch, and because he wasnt too sure if they broke up already and yet shes seeing his other friend. its almsot like, hey im going out with my best friend's girlfriend. gosh that sux larh. soon after my friend discovered that they broke up anyways, and he suspects that the third guy has a hand in accerlerating the destruction of the relationship. its like so damned fast, cos only the week before they original couple seemed to be doing pretty well on the outside, on the path to recovery when this "third party" just came in to wreck things up, and in my friends opinion that is very very very dicky of the "thrid party" especially when the third party is like on very good terms with the bf! and at the same time with my friend also. so its like, kinda fucked up larh.
he also added that this third guy is much like a cassanova in a way, hardly spending any of his days as a single person. oh well, in my opinion, bloody hell cant u just stay single for a while? u dont haf to go wreck up soembody else's relationship like that right? even if the girl is after all willing and all, think abt the guy, her ex-bf now, think abt how fucked up he's going to feel. and the saddest fact is that they all are having a major exam soon over there in e uk, and this shit is just going to kill the bf esp when he found out all by himself that his gf is seeing someone else, in fact his good friend, on the sly.
i was him, i would have just went to punch the third guy straight in the face. straight in the face a big punch to knock him out of his bloody dickiness. argh. this sux la, in my opinion, because i know "you only get what you give" and thus, i will never steal anyone else's gf even if their relationship is indeed on the rocks and i can do like so much as to accelerate the problem and wreck them up oh so easily to make sure things turn out the way i want it to. think the bf is going to be like so damned fucked up now, hope it doesnt destroy his life altogether. from what i gather from my friend its like he still loves and cares for her very much, and im pretty sure that having ur good friend to steal her right under your nose isnt doing much to ur overall self confidence and esteem esp in trying times such as their examination period.
oh wow, what can i say, what a big fucking dick in my opinion. bleaaaaah, if there were respect for that stealor at all, my respect for him wud haf dipped down big big time. of cos, damn fortunate it aint happening anywhere near me, i will feel equally fucked up since every member of that love triangle is pretty close to my friend.
oh fuck, just had news that my dad is hospitalised for some shit liver problem. fuck this la, of all times, i think my life has just taken the downturn. the only respite i can get from all this shit, esp the lack of study, is that my letter to her just finds it way not to just her mailbox, but to her heart as well, so that i can just be happy making her feel happy, making her feel beautiful and making her feel loved.
once again, blessed path, warriors, cheers. go dl gundam seed destiny 2. its nice.
yk ranted at 11:42 am!
the collaborators *
i cant be fucked linking!
the photographic evidence *
lies!
the incriminating evidence *
everlasting .
depression .
melodramatic .
ORANJELAIR
-yk